Part 3 – Child Sexual Abuse.
“As children growing up we all wish for things. It might be something exciting as a new red scooter, the latest Lego toy or even to meet a famous All Black. Wishes we make when we blow out our birthday candles, or wishes we make when we cross our fingers and toes with our eyes tightly shut.
My wishes were more like prayers, hands together, on my knees begging to God because nothing else I had tried had worked.
No matter how hard I begged, no matter how hard I prayed it never stopped. I was very young when it started, not because I could remember as a toddler but because I found the photos when I was a lot older.
From a very young age I was told that I was a disappointment, that he wanted a boy and that I would never grow up to be anything except to be used by men like a prostitute and a whore. I didn’t even know what that was. I knew it was a bad word so I couldn’t ask an adult. It took me eleven years to discover what those words actually meant.
I remember the constant pain, the smells, the heaviness of his body, the roughness of his unshaven face. I remember the sweat dripping off his forehead. I remember the blood, the tears I were not allowed to shed. I remember the fear of going to the toilet especially when his violence forced into my bottom. I remember the rude movies he made me watch and magazines he made me read. Telling me one day my private parts will look just like the naked ladies in the Playboy magazines.
I remember the names he used to normalise his cruelty. He called his penis the one eyed pyjama snake that liked to come out and play. When I got my period he called it my little red riding hood. I remember becoming his little bitch because that’s what female dogs were called. I remember the words that still echo in my mind, reminding me of how much he hated me. Ugly, useless, dirty, worthless and unloved. How he owned me and I would never grow up to be anything because I was damaged goods. It’s strange because your physical self can heal, but the mind and the heart never do. You learn to accept your past, the memories become easier but the hateful words never leave.
I never believed my wishes were extravagant or extraordinary, but they never came true. To hear the words I am proud of you. To be hugged without sexual intent. To have him look at me with kindness not disgust. I wanted a Dad, a father who would love me without pain, without cruelty and without hatred.”
No names were used to protect the identity of the victim.
If you need help, please see the contact details below.
Safe to Talk NZ – call, text, email or live chat
Call: 0800 044 334
Safe to Talk NZ is a 24/7 Sexual Harm Health-line. Confidential and Free.
0800 22 76 27 367
– Karrin Coates
Waikato Victim Advisor of SSGT
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